Terry Ito Column Vol. 81: This job is impossible for me.

I tried to think about what profession would be the least suitable for me. The first thing that came to mind was "submarine crew member." Nuclear submarines sometimes spend more than a month underwater as part of their missions. When I go into a coffee shop, I only stay for 15 minutes, and my daily baths are only 5 to 10 minutes at most—literally a quick dip. When I was in elementary school, my teachers often told me, "Ito, calm down!" My inability to settle down is deeply ingrained.

I would never want to be one, but out of morbid curiosity, I tried to imagine what life would be like as a submarine crew member. The thought of not being able to see the sun, sunsets, or stars in the night sky is simply too unbearable. There's no wind either. The ceilings inside the submarine are low and the corridors are narrow. There's no escape. Just thinking about it is terrifying. I'm sure I'd lose track of the days of the week. The stress of working in a limited space as part of a group would also be immense. And in such an environment, they would be tasked with protecting their country. To become a crew member, one must pass special tests such as claustrophobicity tests, long-term isolation tests, and panic tolerance tests, overcoming numerous hurdles. I wouldn't even be able to get close to the interview venue.

I heard that the hardest thing for them is not being able to use their smartphones. Of course, seawater doesn't allow radio waves to penetrate; it's not just being out of range, but completely incommunicado. More importantly, stealth is crucial for submarines, and not being detected by the enemy is the top priority. Bringing personal smartphones on board is even restricted. That's right, it's a job you absolutely cannot take on without a strong sense of duty to protect your country.

I looked into ways to cope with long-term life at the bottom of the ocean. Strategies include artificially creating day and night cycles by changing the ship's lighting 24 hours a day, and tricking the human brain by fixing meal times. Popular among the crew are creating time for entertainment such as music, watching movies and TV dramas, and apparently, comedy and variety shows are the most popular. Laughter is definitely the best way to relieve stress!

Another incredibly demanding profession is that of an astronaut. It's 54.6 million kilometers to Mars, and the journey takes nearly nine months. No matter how much you want to travel to space, nine months in a cramped spacecraft is absolutely impossible. You probably can't take a bath, there's likely no bed, and there doesn't seem to be an atmosphere where you can say you want to go home midway. You'd probably get tired of eating space food every day.

When you think about it, both professions absolutely require immense physical and mental strength, as well as a strong sense of mission. I have great respect for them. I tried to think about what kind of job would suit a weakling like me, but the only thing I can think of is "comedy director." This year is the Year of the Horse, so I immediately thought about transforming an ordinary horse into a zebra with paint, but in this day and age, that would be a huge compliance violation and the idea would probably never be adopted. Readers, please try transforming a horse picture in a coloring book into a zebra with black and white paint. Turning a bear into a panda would also delight the little ones. It's fun.

Terry Ito (director)

Born in Tsukiji, Tokyo in 1949. After attending Waseda Jitsugyo Junior and Senior High School, he graduated from Nihon University's School of Economics.
In March 2023, he completed the Master's program at the Graduate School of Media and Governance at Keio University.
He joined the television production company IVS Television, where he worked on variety shows such as "Tensai Takeshi's Genki ga Deru TV" and "Neruton Benikujidan."
He then went independent and worked on planning and directing a number of television programs, including TV Tokyo's "Asakusabashi Young Clothing Store."
His book "Comedy North Korea" became a bestseller, and he subsequently made numerous media appearances under the name Terry Ito.
In addition to his work as a director, he is also active in a variety of fields as a producer, entertainer, and commentator.
YouTube channelTerry Ito's Comedy Backdrop'
Currently writing a column in LALALA USA
https://lalalausa.com/archives/category/column/terry